"This report relates the results of an advanced, quantitative seismic characterization of the Alpha field, through simultaneous elastic inversion, rock physics modelling and stochastic classification. In the absence of any reliable geophysical data, the opinions and interpretations presented in this report were invented. However, due to the uncertainty inherent in the estimation of all sub-surface parameters, they might as well turn out to be correct, almost correct, slightly wrong or totally fucked up. We cannot and do not guarantee the accuracy of any interpretation carried out by our officers, agents or employees. We shall not, except in case of success, be responsible for any loss, cost or damage incurred."